And How You Can Have the Same Effect With or Without Kids
by Jules Webber, Intimacy & Life Coach
The strangest thing happened after my divorce, when I started dating again and I know many other women, including my clients, have experienced the same: there was confusion within myself, and in the men I met, about where my children and motherhood fit into the dating process.
This feeling, for many, is centered on a belief that having kids imposes limitations on us; that once they arrive, we lose much of our freedom and are no longer able to make choices for our own happiness independently of them. Societally, we place most of the responsibility for children on women. In our efforts to seek out a new committed relationship, we are forced to recognize, over and over, that we are already in one with one or two or more tiny humans who need us relentlessly, especially in moments we find ourselves taking care of them alone.
What I want you to know is that no, it is not all in your head. But there’s another side to this; a much more true reality than the struggle we witness on the surface. And that is, your kids, or any passion or calling that you care deeply about, actually make your value and beauty more obvious, more turned up, more radiant to the right person than it would be otherwise.
If you’re a woman who has found yourself in an uphill battle when it comes to being a single mom, or you are not a mom and you find commitment from men elusive, here are 4 reasons why all of this can actually work in your favor.
Kids Are A Powerful Barometer: How You Feel About Them Is How You Feel About Yourself: Kids show us how we are showing up in our self-worth, an absolute requirement in healthy relating. This should go without saying, but if you see your kids as a burden, not only will they feel that, but the only reason you ascribe to this energy is that you feel the same way about yourself. If you show up to your dating life feeling apologetic or lacking because you have children, or any other reason, the person you are getting to know will feel that. Remember you want a partner who is not merely “okay” with you having kids. You want someone who enthusiastically accepts them, admires the mother that you are, and is eager to make space in their life for you and your family. Anything less will absolutely not do. Attracting this involves changing the way you see yourself and acknowledging that being a mom is part of what makes you desirable to the right person. Choose to see yourself the way you want a partner to see you.
The Dating Pool Gets Smaller, But You Find Higher Quality People Faster: First of all, the dating pool doesn’t get small. There are millions of single parents out there, as well as single people open to dating people with kids, who are looking for love. The point here is that having kids is an effective filter AND attractor. People who are not mature enough or who don’t desire to make the investment it takes to get to know a woman who cares deeply about showing up as a committed mother will fall off your radar much sooner. Those who see the value in your chosen identity and priorities will be drawn in like bees to honey.
Kids Come With Built-In Boundaries You May Not Otherwise Give Yourself: For those of us who know what it feels like to be overly-available to a partner who does not match our level of interest, kids can help us slow things down in a much-needed way. We will often not be immediately available for a date, or a trip, or a phone call, and the person getting to know us will have to show a level of commitment that we may not see from them otherwise. In the process, they get to see a woman with clear, non-negotiable priorities. To the right person, you come across as someone who is trustworthy, balanced, and full of self-respect. For them, they’ll want to keep showing up because of the sexy, beautiful, yummy soul that you are, no matter what obstacle presents itself.
Kids Do Not Limit You; They Ground You: Remember the moment you first fell in love with your child. It may have been when they were born, or you first saw a photo of them in the adoption process, or you got to know them and then felt a deep bond. Mothering children creates more room in our bodies for our souls to manifest divine love, all of which makes relationship better, stronger, and deeper. If you believe you can’t have the life you truly want because you have kids, even if you know you love them, you’ll take this belief into the dating process. Commit to the practice and belief that you will create any dream or opportunity that is meant for you, and that having kids will only serve you in this. I built a multiple six-figure business from scratch in the first 18 months after my divorce, with a 1-year-old and 3-year-old. I traveled and brought them with me. I built a village of people who are as madly in love with them as I am who help when we need it. I dated and had incredible relationships with men that I’ll never forget. Let your life become more expanded and beautiful because of your beautiful kids.
Want these same benefits but don’t identify as a mother? Read on for three ways to get in on the magic of dating as a mom without being one. (And moms take note here too!)
Make Self-Care Your Top Priority: Many women don’t learn this until they find themselves depleted in motherhood or in their career, but I would have loved to learn this much sooner. I’m not talking about facials and pilates, although those can certainly be forms of self care if you choose. What I mean is that feeling good in your body, and nourished mentally and physically, needs to become your baseline state for existing in the world. Everything good you create will happen as a result, first and foremost, of this one thing. What will it take for you to become totally devoted, body and soul, to your wellbeing in the way you would be toward a child or that you hope a partner will be in relationship with you one day? When you choose to give yourself exquisite emotional, mental, and physical care, no matter what is happening in life, you build deep integrity and self-trust into your nervous system and live life far less reactively and no longer in survival mode. You’ll approach dating from security and abundance, the most attractive energy there is.
Dedicate Yourself to Whatever You Are Birthing in the World: As feminine-identifying beings, we move through cycles of birth, death, and rebirth in our careers, families, relationships, and personal identity. What wants to be given life through you? What is the thing that you are so passionate about and committed to that no one could possibly distract you from it with their minimal-investment efforts? My business is my service to the world, and it is my third child. The community I nourish is a gesture of my devotion. I am passionate about seeing women step into their radiance and utmost confidence, and supporting them is something that no man can distract me from. As a result, I’ve found a higher caliber of integrity in the men that have pursued me than before I was clear about what my work in the world is. They also have a calling/service/mission of their own that they are committed to, and it’s an incredibly sexy character trait to find in someone. Not feeling connected to your sense of purpose? Start exploring what makes you inspired in the world, and try volunteering for a cause you believe in or creating art that expresses the reality you wish to see in the world.
Connect With Your Sense of Play: A beautiful thing happened when I had kids: because I wanted to engage with them, I started doing the playful things they love, and that nourished me as well as them: coloring, building, cooking together, gardening, noticing things in wonder, picking leaves in nature, wrestling on the ground, and being silly, to name a few. Develop an array of ways to tap into your playfulness, and allow that lighthearted energy to be reflected in your dating life. In short: take the pressure off and remember that part of relationship is playing together. We’re not swiping through candidates who are applying for the job of partner to us, or us to them. We are seeking connection, moment by moment. Use playfulness as a way to be more present in the process.
In dating as in life, children are a piece of us that exist alongside other pieces of us. The most essential aspect of our dating lives is that we fully show up as who we authentically are, and all that entails. This process is vulnerable enough without the added weight of beliefs about our children or life situation that will only cause us to shrink back and hide. When we choose to see why it actually serves us to be in the life we are in, we finally free ourselves up to discover a more loving relationship with our history, our bodies, the grief we’re still processing, and to play in the energy of confidence even when our pain is still present. You’ve got this, and I’m here to help.
Jules Webber is a Life Coach and Speaker, helping women create lasting intimacy by stepping into their relationships from their fullest sense of self-worth, power, and vulnerability.
Trained as a relationship and intimacy coach working in masculine & feminine energy, communication, and inner healing, Jules makes it possible for women to reclaim their energy and confidence from a grounded sense of their boundaries and personal joy. She is passionate about dismantling the conditioning around dated patriarchal roles in relationships, and shares much of her teaching through her writing and community-building on social media.